“The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.”
~Anonymous
~Anonymous
I went down the jeep to another casual Wednesday morning to walk the half-kilometer street to school. Yesterday was an academic failure when I was declared 5th in the class rank, when I was then the 3rd last trimester. I guess I already felt the intuition that another failure is coming too.
As I haunch the other strap of my bag pack to my right shoulder, I felt it as forewarn, as I heard people getting down another jeep at my back. I glanced at them and saw Rob* with the senior heartthrob, Patricia*. I turned as if I saw a casual scene. I walked as if it did not matter to me. But as I walked that street, it felt like my feet are melting down like ice. My heart was breaking down to pieces; my world was crashing down right before my eyes.
I didn’t even saw the cars passing opposite me were eventually turning to avoid me. There they were at my back and I was the only one around to enjoy the view. It was just an unusual sight for Rob to come to school with a girl. He was always careful to avoid a cause of talk. And so it was an evident point and a fact proven that they have something. I don’t have to doubt myself; Patricia is beautiful enough in comparison to my being plain. Rob, as I have always love him and thought of him my reason for existing; I always believe him perfect and I know enough that I am not good enough for him.
I kept up shunning myself from falling to my knees. There was a curve at the end of the street and when I got there, I closed my eyes. I went ahead of them then felt waves of pain crumple my heart. This I thought is how it felt when Edward left Bella.
I dragged myself up the stairs to reach my classroom. The first subject was Christian Living and our teacher was priest-like enough not to care if students were sleeping. I never had the strength to speak much but I could handle myself a false smile to keep my friends unsuspicious at least. A few minutes later, I bowed my head against the wooden desk of my armchair and felt it cool against my face as I let out a few tears.
The thought of suicide even crossed my mind. All my dreams and hopes were shattered. I was left broken. I thought of slitting my wrist later. But then I want to gather strength and face the truth. I want to move along to what comes around. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore because it will only hurt me to what I think could hurt me. What will I get from suicide if I have dreams that lay full speed ahead of me? Like my future college school, my career, my family, God, they are all my real reason of existence. He was only the dream in the category of love life.
When recess came, there was a little ignition in my mind that hopes to prove me false. That the routine will continue and everything is fine. I went out the door and saw Rob in front of Patricia’s classroom, in front the window where she is seated. I turned my back, feeling sick in my stomach. I couldn’t eat much, couldn’t even taste my favorite chocolate biscuit sandwich.
I never told my friends about it because they didn’t even know I still love him. We never really had anything aside from what I thought; the deep meaningful stares, him twitching uncomfortably when he saw me, and I or even him, knowing when and where to look when we sense each other around. But that was all in me now. There wasn’t anything that could come across it. It was all an intuition.
I was in misery, I avoided too many crowd. I avoided the jokes my friends are making. I was dead silent during recess and lunch. I don’t want to talk much; it gives me away through slipping and breaking my mask.
I told Hansen*, my good trustworthy friend after recess. He eased me and said I could get pass it. He was the only classmate whom I told my pain that day. He didn’t talk that much but he listened as I calmly told him the details and my pain.
When I went home after track 'n field training, I told my sister Mavreen right away and my brother George even eavesdropped. There I cried a few tears again which surprised me that I wasn't crying much when deep inside my heart is aching. They comforted me in the extreme way I felt my family had ever comforted me besides how they reassured me when I dropped to 5th in class rank.
My Mom said you’ll laugh at it one day when you see what God has planned for you in the future. Dad said it isn’t your real first love because your first real love is Jesus whom you’ll never feel so much pain with. I believed them all. I was comforted, supported and loved however, I still feel the aching void whenever.
Thursday passed and I dragged my self to my classroom again. I was so numb that I couldn’t concentrate much to studies. My grades were quite being affected I thought this is not good and told myself to give me a week to bring back everything. But I did now have the strength to tell April, my friend and seatmate.
Friday then came and I passed through the other street to avoid the old street of where I first saw them. But when I was heading towards school, I saw them walking right in front of me. Of all people to see and I was the only one who was there to see the solid fact.
I never blamed God though; it was His way of telling me he is not for me. Although it hurts because it’s an up-close, it is better than just being heard around as a rumor. It was a better pain because I was the first one to know and see. God talked to me through the comforts of my family and the few friends that know.
The next person I told was Reinalyn. She was not that really observant, and like most of my friends that I shared with just remained silent and listened to my calm explanation. I understand that they couldn’t give me advice like how Mom or Mavreen gives me because they haven’t gone through what I was going through. Yet they all believed I could get through it.
The things that I am thankful for were I never became overcome by my depression, I didn’t cry a lot of tears unlike how my heart wanted to cry, and I never lashed out. I wasn’t angry with Rob or with Patricia. It is what makes him happy. From the start, I just accepted the fact. I didn’t plan for a destructive conspiracy to break them.
Although the small ignition in my mind hopes that they would fall apart, or it was all a bad dream that hopes me to finally wake up, I never thought of anything that could take away what makes him happy. I loved him and will still love him to wish for his happiness.
What pains me is that the memories are just too good to forget. The school is part of those wonderful memories, and the memories haunt me for being there. The routine also of what I was used to was hard to eliminate. It just became a habit to sense him if he is near.
Moving on is a hard and bumpy road, but I know I have to pass it. For if I fail to pass it I could never get over the pain. I know God did this for a reason. I know He is right to give him to someone else. But I want to see now when God turns the page to another chapter of my life.
The chapter where I learn to breathe... again.
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